


Irretrievably lost

by Prettygirlgraves



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heartbreak, inner darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6990367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettygirlgraves/pseuds/Prettygirlgraves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a short oneshot set after 5x21 which features Regina at Robin Hood's grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Irretrievably lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, 
> 
> Let me just clarify, despite the fact that most of my bigger fics here are SQ, I do ship OQ a lot. It may not be my OTP but I am heartbroken over Robin. I could talk about how angry and sad I am for hours and hours. Anyway, let's get on with the oneshot. I feel like his death wasn't addressed as much as I'd like. So here is me trying to address that problem just a little bit. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Sorry for the little bit of heartbreak.

The air has a certain unpleasant wintry chill to it she notices as she walks on the frost bitten grass, still green despite everything they've been through. She feels like it should be different. But it feels so eerily normal, like nothing's changed at all, except it has- one fundamental, heart breakingly obvious thing is missing. He is missing.

It's cold, so she's wearing a thick black coat to keep out the ice, but it keeps coming through, almost as if fighting to reach and claw at her heart. She won't let it, well not now at least. She's kept the darkness at bay for so long. But she's so tired of fighting it, especially now.

Despite the chill, the air is stiflingly thick and slow, as if the hand on the clock cannot bear to move around its face, so is reluctantly hovering. It's almost like time under the curse, but the unbearable thing is that time is moving, and seconds will pass without him there. Her breath catches. Her feet wedged into the ground, unable to take another step. It's harder alone, like everything always is. But she has to do this, now or never. She was already here this morning, but it doesn't make any of this any easier as she plucks up the courage to take the final strides.

_R.I.P Robin Hood Beloved soulmate and father_

Her black gloved hand reaches out hesitantly towards the grey stone of the grave. Slipping it off, her fingertips press anxiously on it. It's cold. No lingering of his warmth remains.

She feels a flutter in her heart as she remembers her body against his, her fingers tracing his firm skin. He was always so warm, so strong, so....much like home. She crushes the memory as if it had never been there, as a sharp pain radiates through her chest. She gasps, and wipes a tear that she had unwillingly allowed to slip from her eye down her cold blank cheek. She keeps trying to put the mask in place, but it slips. It keeps slipping and she can't stop it falling down. She didn't know why she had even hoped. It was just stone. Painfully cold and dead. Just another engraving- another reminder- of things that are lost.

It's near the forest, so thick and green, she knew he would've preferred it. He always liked being outdoors. The thing is, it smells just like him. He always smelt like a musky oak, pine, so spicy and fresh and free. She breathes, takes in a deep breath of air, just in case maybe, just maybe if she thinks hard enough she can pull him back out of her memories and- Maybe she's imagining it, the smell. She's not quite sure anymore. It's comforting in a painful way, almost taunting as if to say, so close but so far. Just out of her reach. The absence of him is everywhere and it gnaws at every part of her.

She tells herself off for the next tear that slides down her face. She whispers angrily that she knew this would happen, she knew it all along despite how she had wanted to crush that single, anxious thought as he had tenderly held her, it had remained. That quote, that god forsaken quote is now screaming in her ear, "Villains don't get happy endings." And how true it had turned out to be. Because that's who she is, a villain.

She jerkes her fingers back, and puts the glove back on quickly. She destroys everything she touches. She did this. It was her fault. He was protecting her.

"Didn't I tell you not to get in my way you damned idiot," she cries suddenly, her eyes glinting with fury, but the tears still come. She feels all over the place. She doesn't even know what to feel, how to feel. She is untethered to the earth. No anchor, not any more.

She almost hears him say "I wouldn't dream of it," as she now leans, clutching onto to the grave for dear life, as if it's all she has left. She almost smiles at the memory. Almost. It's just too sad and nauseatingly dead and gone.

"You know what Robin you just couldn't stop being so damn honourable...you...."

She touches the grave again in more of a punch now, frustratedly hitting her fist against the stone. She tries to be angry, but she can't, she just can't ever stay mad at those blue eyes filled with love. But they're shut now. Never to see the light of day. Buried under piles of dirt and soil.

"You helped me believe in myself Robin...and now you're gone I don't know what to do with myself...I just...need you."

"Just don't be dead, please," she whispers, her voice breaking with a last thump of her first against the hard stone. Now she can't stop the tears that fall down her cheeks, and she doesn't even try to conceal how she feels. The mask is officially off, slung to the floor, crumpled and torn.

She slumps to the grass, her hands still clawing at his grave, the last remaining tether she has to her thief in this realm.

She cries for the things so irretrievably lost.

And once she's started she just can't stop them, she's sobbing, the tears coming thick and fast pouring down her cheeks as she tries to suppress the gulping sobs.

She cries for Robin, her beautiful, mischievous thief who never could quite stay out of trouble. His eyes, his soft smile so full of love. For Roland who has now lost both of his parents. He's so young, so small, so innocent with his always cheerful dimples and brown curls. He had been such a painful comfort in the missing year. A sweet boy with an even sweeter father who unfathomably cared about her more than she had even believed possible. More than she'd dared to hope.

She cries for the years they could've, should've had together. Their future, so blinking bright and hopeful it once shine like a sunrise on the horizon of a new day. Now it lay with an ashy pile of dust under a black sky, no stars, no dreams, no hope. No more fucking hope and quarters to put in the jar.

She can't stop. She cries for Daniel, her Daniel, a pawn in a much bigger game they knew nothing about. He died too soon, before he had even lived, and it was her fault. All her fault and she couldn't find the air to breathe.

She cries for who she once was, that young girl, that loss of innocence gone in a second. Her virginity torn from her by a man who didn't love her, and never would even until the day he died. She cries for that girl so much she thinks she hears her heart shatter into twisted shards. Poor foolish girl. Foolish to ever think you could be happy.

She even cries for the evil queen, because really she was just a damaged woman. A damaged woman who didn't know how to deal with her pain effectively and took it out on others. The darkness that so easily took her, swallowed her up and ate her alive. She cries for that guilt that eats at her everyday for the many lives she had destroyed. She was weak. She is weak. She is darkness itself.

There's a burning hole in her heart it's so black so black like a vortex. She cries for her mother, her father. She killed them, it's her fault. She cries for all things lost, never to be found.

She slumps further to the ground, her slacks are etched with the soiled ground, but she doesn't care. It seems so trivial when something fundamental has been snatched away.

Then suddenly she feels a hand on her shoulder. She knows she should move, stop crying, slip back on the mask, but she's just so goddamned tired of fighting this losing battle. She knows it's Emma, she can tell from her touch, firm but kind. It's warm, it's so warm it burns right down to her skin because why does she care? Her warmth is just a reminder of something she can't have. She craves it, but not just any, his warmth, his comfort, his love, his touch, his everything.

"Regina," she whispers comfortingly. "It's okay Regina."

But it's so far from okay she feels the need to scream bubbling up in her throat. But she doesn't, more tears come instead.

But Emma then pulls her close. She want to think of a snide remark, push her away, tell her to leave her the goddamned fuck alone Miss swan, don't you ever listen? But she doesn't. She lets her hold her close to her chest. Because Emma is just so damn warm and there's something about her touch that's comforting after all these years. Because she understands. She's been through this before, twice. Just like her. And that's more important than ever right now. She doesn't even ask questions, she just holds her, her hand lightly on the back of her head. A typical charming hug but she can't deny its what she really needs right now. She's encircled, but it is no longer a cage, not with Emma. Never.

Her arms wrap around her chest, holding her closely, her warm breath tickling her skin but it's comforting. It reminds her that they're still here. She's still here. They are alive.

And although they're not be as happy as they might have been, it is enough for the time being. They're all fixing themselves slowly, sewing up the torn seams in effort to fight another day. She knows she has to keep fighting, not just for Robin but for herself, for her family. Because that's all they can do. And it is enough. It has to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave a review, or comment your feelings on Robin's death, I am happy (unhappy,) to talk about it with you.


End file.
